You see, this year has been a year of a drought. We moved to Texas all fired up in obedience to God and ready to do what He had called us to do here. The beautiful rivers were flowing with milk and honey. The flowers of our lives were in full bloom and nothing could stifle our exuberance; then the tiny lies crept in.
Loneliness, doubt, suffering, and loss were the constant banner over our lives. We gave into Satan's tricks and fell for his antics. We suffered, our health suffered, our marriage suffered, and in turn, our faith and walk with Jesus suffered. We were so flipped upside down, we didn't know which way was up. We were in an ocean full of pain and the waves kept tossing us, settling just enough to catch our breath, and then pushing us under again. We were gasping for air. We were stuck in a desert with no water.
In the tumbling, we lost sight of Who holds our hearts. We took our gaze off of Jesus and placed it on the massive, Job-sized pity party we had created for ourselves.
Then, after so much pain, hurt, and loss, we couldn't do it any longer. One night, a night I will soon never forget, we spent the entire night, laying in bed, yelling, kicking, and screaming at God. Our words of prayer were portraying every emotion we had felt for so long. We were angry and enough was enough. After hours of this and after we grew tired and weary, Jesus met us right where we were and said, "Are you done now? Good. Now pick up yourselves, your cross and follow me. Trust in me. Abide in me".
In this moment, I couldn't help but picture a tiny little child pitching a fit in the grocery store, the parent letting the kid scream and yell, and then when the kid wears hisself out, then they pick him up, dust him off, and move on.
For the next few weeks, we were still gasping for breath but each breath became deeper and full of oxygen. After what seemed like an eternity of suffering, Jesus is in the process of renewing us, reviving our marriage, our relationships, and our time here in Texas.
He has shown His unfailing love towards His children in subtle, but mighty ways. That was a long winded story, but like our lives a few short months ago, the story doesn't end there....
You see, earlier, I mentioned this crazy, stupid thing that us humans do that is killing The Church. It's the concept of doing something stupid in life, receiving the grace, forgiveness, and redemption of Jesus, and then having the audacity to dig it back up when we throw a pity party for ourselves.
We recently have felt God calling us to do something that we have no earthly clue what to do about, the timing of it all, or what it even looks like. It is a position of leadership and I, of course, was like, "heck yes, God!" But then I grabbed my metaphorical shovel and started digging. I started digging up everything that I have laid down at the feet of Jesus.
"How am I supposed to be a leader when I myself was in such a place not even three months ago? God can't use me like this. I'm damaged goods right now. There is no way anyone would or could ever look up to my walk with the Lord right now. I'm still dealing with this crap. Once I am good and perfect, THEN I'll step out in faith and give it a shot. Maybe then I could do it."
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO!
I am so unbelievably wrong. Although I know the truth, I allowed Satan to start trickling in with his little lies again. As he was trying to demolish the intimacy between Jesus and I, I began to pray for God to remind me just how amazing He thinks I am.
So tonight, it's come full circle. As I sit in my old lady chair, with some calming tea and my fluffy blanket, I read this:
"Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God,..."
Ephesians 1:1
...and in tears, I stopped there. Paul, who was chosen to be an apostle of Jesus because of Gods will, is writing to the church in Ephesus. He is leading a movement of Jesus followers and reminding the church exactly who they are to God. Paul, who was once Saul and had murdered thousands of people just because the followed Jesus. Paul, who was going through towns and killing off people who worshipped the savior.
Saul the Prosecutor became Paul the Proclaimer.
And because of Gods will, he was used by Him. He was used to proclaim the holy name of Jesus to the ends of the earth. He became a pivotal figure in the growth of The Church.
Angrily, I loudly ask myself, "Who am I to sit here and have that Job-sized pity party of worthlessness and insecurity? Who am I to sit back and not step up because I feel like I can't be used by God? That is NOT who I am or who I am called to be!"
We are called to be proclaimers of the Gospel and worshippers of Jesus. We are made alive IN Jesus and BECAUSE of Jesus. If God can use Paul to proclaim His name to the nations, then He can use you and me to shine His Light and Love in the darkest places. Because we are lavishly loved, He can and will lead us on this amazing adventure. We just have to put our shovels down, about face, and sprint after Him.
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